Unconnected in an Overly Connected World
More and more, I realize that in many ways with expanding forms of communication (e.g., text messaging, tweeting, email, facebook) in addition to more traditional methods (e.g., telephone, hand-written notes) that I feel lost and disconnected from those who are closest to me. I know others think about this too. However, I don’t want to be seen as an old curmudgeon that dismisses all forms of technology and anything else that is new.
I know that some research indicates that technology can often help instead of hurt our ability to connect with others. Take, for example, the fear that video games can hurt our children’s ability to socialize. However, what researchers find is that the games provide a foundation (hopefully, not the only one) on which kids can connect with each other. One can imagine one boy turning to his classmate in school and asking, “How do you get past level 5?” This topic provides a much “deeper” level of conversation than “Hi, my name is Joe. Do you want to be my friend?”
With all of the excitement of technology and the new ways that we can communicate, my head is left spinning. I find that I try to stay ahead or at least not fall so far behind on the forms of communication that I use (and I don’t use as many as other people), although I really find it a losing battle. Even worse, I find that I am often not present with my family as I think about the e-mails that are flooding my in-box after work. I think, “Crap, if I don’t get to the responses this evening, I will start off tomorrow with a flooded in-box, thus causing me to fall behind on the work that I need to get to!” Unfortunately, when I do provide responses, it only leads to more return e-mails, and the vicious cycle continues. In fact, the more I try to keep ahead, the faster my in-box floods. There really is no getting ahead.
Although I have twitter and facebook accounts, I do not really use them (at least I do not produce that much information). I consider myself lucky, as I have not caught the bug that makes me want to “stay up” on these mediums as well as my email.
Add on top of this chaotic whirlwind of newer and newer communication technologies the realities of working, having an intimate partner, raising young children, and perhaps dealing with ailing parents. It is no wonder why more people do not lose their minds. My situation and feeling like I am grappling with trying to get out of a communication whole all while trying to stay connected with the people in front of me has made me think about how to deal. I have come up with a few solutions.
On way to solve the problem is to get rid of all or most technology like one would strip sticky clothes on an extremely hot summer’s day. This might include a cellular phone (yes, we did survive without cellular phones and were maybe a bit happier) or at least pairing down from the fancy “smart” phones. It could also include restrictions on the number of social media accounts, perhaps down to zero. Now, one might think, “How would I ever find out what is going on among my friends, my family, in my neighborhood, or in my country (or if living in a transplanted country, like me, my country of origin)?” This is something one would have to grapple with for the greater good of being free.
Getting rid of e-mail, perhaps the biggest competitor for our attention, might be the most difficult. The average person has three email accounts, and this along with texting are the ways we most likely communicate (even above talking with someone). However, getting rid of e-mail might be the most freeing of experiences. As a professor and as a former student, I think of the stark contrast in how we communicate in academia. How did I ever ask for an extension on a paper (I am not sure I ever did, but this might be rose-colored glasses)? How did I ever ask the burning question? How did I ever try to impress my professors, so that they could help me with references or in getting jobs? It began with two words: office hours. I actually used those office hours (and other appointment times that I made with my professors). Now, I set office hours, and nobody comes (I know there are other ways to get people to come). Instead, I get frantic emails late at night right around the time an assignment is due or a test is going to take place. The quality of those emails is what is more upsetting. I think that when I went to office hours, I was well prepared and organized (or at least tried to be). The emails I get look more like a set of letters (randomly in lower or upper case) cryptically tied together for me then to figure out. The message, once deciphered, is one requesting permission to not take personal responsibility. Overall, deciphering the message and then thinking about how to respond in a diplomatic way takes a lot of time, which, in turn, eats into me being present with the people I care most about.
An alternative, with probably fewer consequences of shaming by friends and colleges than in going completely off the grid, would be to establish rules of engagement for oneself, and indirectly with everyone else around. What things can you do without? How will you replace these vices with in-person interpersonal communication (it is not sufficient to just try to stop doing something)? How many times a day will you check your various accounts? Under what parameters will you “get connected”—at what points in the day, whether or not you check on online things when in meetings or with someone else, when you will put your online world to rest.
Written by: Scott Ronis